I’ve stopped hiding and feeling bad. I have 4 kids in tow and when people look at me like I’m crazy to have 4 kids, 5 years old and under, I’ve stopped feeling bad about it. Their looks and comments used to make me feel like I did something irrational, like nobody else would’ve made the same decisions. But I’m done with feeling that way. I’m not hiding how or why I ended up with 4 kids.
8 years ago, on this exact day, I married my husband. It was the best day not only for us, but those in attendance. No lie, the majority of our guests said it was the best party they had ever been to. And that’s not because we served a lot of alcohol, it’s because we put all of our love and energy into every decision and then vowed not only to have a great time during our wedding, but also for the rest of our lives.
Along with feeling so sure of my decision to marry my husband, I felt confident in our future, whatever that would be. So confident, I threw out my birth control pills and felt that the fate that brought us together would also show us our future.
Month 1 – 5 weeks pregnant and miscarry. Docs have to perform a D&C.
Month 3 – 6 weeks pregnant and after seeing a heartbeat, I miscarry and the docs need to perform another D&C.
Month 5 – Undergo multiple fertility tests, which all come back negative. At age 28, I’m diagnosed with Unexplained Infertility.
Months 6-18 – A miserable mix of procedures. We start with IUIs, move to injectables, have a four positive pregnancy tests, which all end in miscarriage.
Month 19 – I decide that this month, we are moving to IVF. IVF produces one embryo which implants, but then I miscarry.
Month 20 – After being convinced by my doctor to try IVF one more time (before moving to donor eggs), 2 embryos implant…and STICK!
Hell yea! Pregnant with twins! I spend the first 12 weeks super cautious, spotting and assuming I’m miscarrying, and then move into second trimester bliss. I can finally say I’m pregnant!! 8 weeks later, I’m on bedrest with preterm labor…but still very happy.
And the story gets better. 6 months after the birth of my twins, I get spontaneously and surprisingly pregnant again. And then spontaneously again two years later. Which lead me to 4 kids, 5 and under.
So for all the people who say, “I don’t know how you do it” or just a loaded “4 kids!”, I just tell my story. It wasn’t “the plan.” I do “this” (spreading my hands out toward my kids) because it was my fate. I had a very difficult time getting pregnant, it was the lowest moment of my life. But look at how it turned out, better then I could’ve expected, and no where near what I had planned. And I tell them all of this because I hope my story is interesting enough that it spreads. Particularly to women who are still counting out their months, wondering when they will start to build their family.
To learn more:
http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 (Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.)
Please think of someone in your life this blog post would help and share it with them. Please help others experiencing infertility.